Will we ever learn?

“And things falling apart, Once you got your heart broken.” -Thea Lune

 Hello chikass🫧How are you guys doing? It has been a veeerryyy long time. Kan? Yeaa, I know. Hehe. 

In today’s episode, It is stil me. Me and whatever I did in my life. Hohooo. How time flies so fast, kan? You’re all with me since I was still in highschool. Curi2 pergi CC (computer cafe) sebab nak log in blog and tulis blog dan bagi kau orang baca kemerepekan, ke cringe an dan ke unmatured an I. Hahahahh. 

You guys were with me since I continuesly talk about everything I used to learn everytime I attend any usrah. You guys were with me and some of you actually known me as cikpena. Hahahah That was my pen name masa I start menulis. Since form 4. And then I stopped using that pen name because something happened. I started to use Dhealoveth (gosh, where on earth I got that name from?) T.T

But, that is not why I’m writing this entry today. Cuma, macam biasalaa adat I dari dulu kan? Mukadimah pepanjang. Hahaa

But before that, I again wanna say thanks to you who is still here reading whatever I write/wrote. Even though I dah tak consistent macam dulu-dulu. I still have dream to be an author. And still work for it. 

So many things happened in my life this days. (Well, actually. Everyone has to face things that happened in their life. Bad or good. Semua orang hadap benda yang sama but in a different form. This is just a slice of my life. Hehe).

Things never get easy. 

Banyak sangat jadi yang reaaally put me down to earth. Yang really break my heart but also put me in so many thoughts. So many things happens that requires me to be wiser and softer. That I finally realize yang all the event that I went through sometimes make me wonder about so many things. 

That make me think; “Someone out there must have been through the same broken thing like I did.” 

Cuma, it might be in the different form. 

Heart break is so painful. But, to heal is to hurt even more. We don’t just recover like that. You know, like- ✨blink✨ like that. Oh my God, that shit hurt so bad. So deeply. 

It hurt even more when you choose to go through your healing phase one by one. You have to take it one at a time. Which leads to the continues bleeding of the invisible wounds of yours. But you have to take it. Because otherwise, that pain will haunt you forever. 

You have to heal even though it aches so bad that it makes you frustrated. It even worse when you realised how much you lose yourself. You feels like you’re wanting good things to happen to you but you keep on failing.

That’s the hardest part-It gonna take few tears and and broken heart.

I was in love, before. 

I was

Was

I thought it will be my first and forever love story. But- maybe it’s not what God’s wants anyway. 

Well, I have learned so much though. Hehee. It might break my heart but at least- “lesson learned.”

It was my first heartbreak because of a boy. It will be my last one also. Perasaan tu, sakit sangat. Entahlaah. It has been almost 5 months. And I still on my way to heal what is broken inside me. 

3 years. 

It took me 3 years to realised how I really lose myself on my way of loving someone’s son. It hurt. Pretty badly. Hahaha. Sometimes, on my way of healing. I always asked myself-“Will I ever learn?”

At some point, I rasa macam I boleh terima semua ni. I rasa I boleh faham kenapa Tuhan tak bagi I habiskan semua ‘cinta’ yang I ada untuk lelaki itu. But, it also took me to go through so much pain and uncertain thoughts- of what have I already chose.

It’s another phase of life and story, I guess. For some reason, stories change. We might lose certain good things that we thought we could keep it forever. Getting attached to someone who was actually 'unsure' about the relationship that we had with them is very heartbroken. I've experienced it, once. It does feel weird, tetapi masih sakit. It's the pain that I will always remember and I don't wanna feel it no more.

“Did I do the right thing?”

“Am I gonna regret this?”

“Will someone gonna be able to love me as how I’m able to love when I’m in love?”

And- “Macam mana aku nak sembuh? Where to start?”

To the peak where I forgot how to love myself. How to appreciate myself. I don’t remember how does it feel to be safe. To be authentically soft and feminine, without anymore put my guard up. I wanna be able to thrown away the masculinity that I have to wear all this time. 

But yeaa. I forgot how to. 

It sucks, you know. To actually forgot how to accept and love yourself. It sucks, because it is so hard for me to forgive myself- Of what have I done to myself. It sucks to actually realized that I used to beg someone to love me truly and gave so much love to him while I was the who needed a very gentle love.

I have always known as someone with so much love in me, but no one to give it to. There is a huge amount of love that has always been kept in me. It has always made me thought that maybe the love of mine is just too much that no one can manage to carry or even care for it. Maybe, that is also why I tend to give so much love when I was in love. 

Because it’s the thing I never had

The thing I craved and wished for. So I tend to let the person I loved, break me. In silence, but grief. In quiet, and never peace. It was a total chaos and damage, but invisible. So those who never knew abt it, tend to blame or hates me for walking away. For breaking someone’s heart. And for finally responds to the hurtful thing that has made me suffered. 

Hmm, what can I do? 

It’s a little odd, strange and something feels off. To live with the closed door. Trying so hard to understand what has actually happened to me. Carrying so many wounds in me. Hahaha. Well-

One’s heart will break and the broken will live on, kan?

It’s not that I don’t believe in love anymore or yada yada- I am a lover girl and will always be. It just that, I have to actually accept and love myself before I decided to do love again after this. 

I have to find ways to give love to myself before I intentionally gave to someone else. I have to authentically heal so that I will again believe that there’s still a man out there that will love me- completely, truly and gently. 

Maybe not now,

But I believe I will heal. 

Soon enough, in shaa allah.

Doakan saya 🤍

And yeaa, we will learn. We will.

Lots of love,

-Laila🦢🫧