my-midnight-Thought : (3) Escape

I put my eyes up, staring those sky and gazing. 

Night arrived. I was at that time; landing my head onto my pillows. Resting my body but not my mind. There's something suck me up. I put my right hand to the forehead. I close my eyes. "I wish..," 

"I wish...," 

"I wish I'm not exist." The tears dripping. I'm tired. seriously.

So, I slept. 

When the dawn breaks, I go back to my daily routine. But at that day; everything was really messed me up. Title got rejected by the teacher. My junior told me about her problems trough the messages. My classmate told me about the suicide and bad thoughts that she had to deal with every-night. My close friend..., being diagnosed with those terrible thingy. My dorm-mate told me; she is having worst past that she is really afraid of. 

I saw one child being ignored by his parents. I saw one kid was beaten by someone. I saw one kid being ignored by her all friends just because of..., one black-thick that she did accidentally.

I saw the terrible thingy happen. 

I saw one girl in her age of 14-16 can't recite the quran. I saw one girl in her age of 13 didn't know how to pray. I saw one girl got stuck into the hollow-darkness till she can't bare the pain; just because of one man. My friends crying besides me; telling me that she's being forced to do that 'darn' thingy..., because her family is lack of money.

And somehow..., I lost my ikhtiar to help them in one time. I don't know how to.

I cry. Over and over. again and again. 

I cry.

My mind sucks. My heart is not well. I am hurting. This is bad. 

It's hurting me.  
I'm hurt. 
It hurts me so bad and..., and I'm broken into the pieces. 

And it hurts. A Lot.

I don't know why, I'm worried too much. 

"Ya Allah, help me to serve You. Help me to serve Your deen well. Help us."

After maghreeb, I came to my ibu's room. I land my head beside her pillow where she used to put the quran at. I heard her very softly voices reciting the verse of quran. I knew this verse. 

It's Mulk. (Where all muslim should recite it before we go bed. So that we will avoid ourselves from being tortured in the grave)

Then, suddenly she's whispered me the verse of Dhuha (some of short surah in quran). 

"Sodakallahul adzim." She's stop reciting. Close the quran and put it onto the small desk beside her. I look her up. 

"Ibu, I suffered with my headache." Chuckles. It was the first thing that out as my spoken-est says (eheh). She puts her fingers to my forehead and..., yeah. as  it should and she is started to treat my head well. She gives me the soft and short massage. 

"Is it too hard for you, kakak?" 

My tears dripping again. This is my first time; I cry in the front of my ibu like a child didn't get what they wants. (ahahaha, I've never cry so terribly-terrible like that. it's embrassing to be remembered after all. heh)

That 'hard' words make me cry. I cry for my all tired-ness that I've ever felt. 

"Bu, kakak cuba lari dari semua reality. Tapi Allah bagi kakak nampak semua benda ni. Otak kakak dah penat, hati akak sakiit, bu." 

"Everyone see the same, kakak. But only the real man could think and wants to do something and helping them." She work for it. I cry silently. 

I started my utter. "Ibu, kakak was trying my best.. but somehow kakak just can't. tak mampu. It's out of my ability."

"Everyone see the same thing, kakak. But they're all got different style to be aware of it. Some of them just make it as their guideline and kakak, you have your different thoughts of it too. Kakak lagi pilih untuk jadi yang memulakan, kan?." 

Her hand still massaging my cleavage. "Ramai orang berjanji nak bantu. But as for the result? Tak ramai yang boleh buat macam apa yang dia janjikan. And kakak choose to be that little one. That's the different between you, and them." 

"But I can't help them all in one time, ibu." 

"Then don't." 

"Hmm??" 

"Tak perlu mengawal segala hal. Kita ada batas kita as human, kakak. You knew it don't you? try hard to do your best, and leave the rest to Allah." 

He words..., calming my heart. 

Before I went out from my ibu's room. She asked me; 

"Kenapa kakak buat semua benda ni?" 

I don't have any respond on that. Really.

Until 3:00 a.m sharped. I ask myself again, "Why did I do this?" 

Then before I closed my eyes, I whispered to myself; "Because I'm happy doing this. I'm happy for being me." 

I slept with those curious-thoughts after dripping to much tears. I can't escape anymore. I sucks if I did this. 

I can't escape. 

But.., how? 

Small escaping isn't hurt. But I kept myself repeating it; I feel burden. But how??? 

I love my ibu. I love my adik. I love my smowl-circle.
This world is so cruel. 
And I just hate it. 


Really. 


-Laila.