Laila-thoughts; don't die.

"I'm not suicidal,

I don't wanna f*ckin' die,

I just wanna be able to close my eyes and feel alright. 

But everyday I feel like dying." 

This song, is not my favourite song. But up until now, it just that I feels like I wanna play this song over and over. Entahlah. Perhaps, sampai aku rasa bosan. 

Yeah, perhaps.

As we're getting older. No one can deny that being an adult is sucks. Growing is pain. What to do? 

Nothing. 

Just keep moving. 

Because if there's no pain, so- it cannot be called as growing. 

Growing is terrible. Something that no one will be able to talk about - like really talk abt it. It something that you don't know how to describe.

Something that, you don't know when it started and where is the ending. Well, it doesn't seems like there's ending in there. Because after that one sh*t, you'll got another. And it keep repeating the same rotation.

In the end, you just got your own sh*t. Like- All of that and pointing out the strengthness in you that you have never discovered before.

You've been hurt alone.

You heals alone. The only things that you show is the strong you. The only things that people see is the unbreakable you.

Believe me. 

Until you stop begging for someone's affection to see your hardwork, to keep holding you, to fight for you. Until you stop asking fo someone's attention to see your worth when they don't even disturb to see how is you- struggle-to-death for your life.

Until then, you are in a phase of growing.

Never trust anyone. Never. Because this is not a fairytale.

No one would genuinely be there for you. Like- 'genuinely'. This is not a paradise. Not everyone that is enters into your life; deserve your attention. Not everyone deserve your kindness and loyalty. 

Growing phase, is a phase where you keep broken. With all the problems in your head. Reality. The past. Traumatic season. Problematic. 

Where you got all the problems on your shoulders. Where you keep trying and keep failing. Where you keep hiding all your pain. Where life has taught your tongue to not to talk abt the pain that make your heart broken. Where the only parts of your body that cannot lies is your eyes. 

Where you learn to live. Where you can't sleep on time like you did when you were a child. Where you keep crying before you fell asleep. Where you are tired but you cannot sleep. 

And where you learn to stop over-shared.

Where everything seems blurry. Where you lost a lot. Where you struggle but seems like it's not worth it. Where you feels not enough.

You lost a lot. 

Where you can't rely on anyone else. That- the only things making you survive is that you keep saying to yourself; "Takpelah, Allah kan ada?" 

Where you don't have any desire than just wanna survive. To the point of- 'I hate my life.' or maybe 'I hate myself.' And questioning "Why I hate myself?"

There, there; will be a lot of questions. Miserable. The question that even you; don't understand what you are actually want. 

Yeah..,

 

Growing, is a broken phase.  

I just wanna say that. Everyone is struggling. It just that we struggle differently. Don't compare. Just keep moving.

And please-

Don't die.

Yess, everything is gonna be harder and harder. But please, don't die.

Don't.

Love,

- Laila